He Said, She Said

He Said, She Said

The end of November 1987, a judge in Hardin County, Kentucky granted a divorce to Jeffery D. and Deborah M. Stevens. The basis for the divorce was irreconcilable differences. That is the only part of this account that is one hundred percent fact, only because it is a matter of public record. According to both parties, the main idea that they could not agree on in the marriage was the concept and act of adultery. He said that she had committed adultery and she said that he had committed adultery. Which side do you take and who do you believe? To piece together a coherent “truth” or “reality,” I will relay both sides and add in bits and pieces from other parties who were witness to the events.
According to the American Heritage Dictionary, adultery is defined as “voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a partner other than the lawful spouse.”[1] Neither of their opinions, of who was at fault, has changed in the twenty years since their divorce. Debbie continues to believe that the divorce was solely and completely Jeff’s fault. She continues to maintain that he was having affairs with family friends, that he had had several other affairs with co-workers, was cruel and treated her unkindly. Her responses to questions were very vague and she tried to change the subject several times. She offered no proof, witnesses, or explanations to back up her accusations. Simply her version of events with the statements mentioned above and nothing more.
Jeff’s perception remains that the divorce was most undoubtedly Debbie’s fault. He stated that she had had affairs with several men through the course of their fifteen-year marriage. Several of which occurred in the short time that he served the Army in Seoul, Korea. For these accusations he relied on witnesses’ accounts because he was not there. He occasionally commented on her quick temper as well as her maltreatment and abuse of others, these statements were corroborated by others who witnessed the events. She never tried to hide her affairs from anyone and most of them were witnessed by family or friends, talked about around town and one occurrence Jeff witnessed first hand. Despite her affairs, her overbearing and quick-tempered nature, and other faults, he still wanted to try to work things out and salvage their marriage. She refused to even try and so their divorce was filed.
Which perception should be taken at face value? Having myself been witness to many of the events that led up to the divorce and speaking with other witnesses, I have tried to piece together the “real” truth or some semblance of it. In the latter part of 1986, Jeff came up on orders, from the Army, for Seoul, Korea. He put in for a command-sponsored tour, which meant that he could take his family to Korea with him, and it was approved and he was elated. He took the news home to Debbie and she vehemently refused to go. She said there was no way that she was going to live there and followed that statement with a few racist and derogatory remarks, which was the norm for her. So, Jeff went to Korea alone.
Soon after Jeff left, Debbie had a steady stream of “friends,” over to their house, to “visit” with her. The “friends” were always male, and “down on their luck,” so more often than not, she would invite them to stay the night. About two months after Jeff left, a “friend” of hers, named Rick began hanging around. After about two weeks he had moved in and was there full time. He was, in Debbie’s words, “a nice guy and a friend who needed a place to stay.” Rick was in the Marines; he was divorced and had two young children who lived with their mother. Debbie assured everyone that they were just “friends” and nothing more.
In the meantime, Jeff was in Korea, alone. I should mention that Jeff and Debbie also had two children, a boy and a girl. Debbie was a great nurse who loved her job, or so it seemed. She had a habit of going to “work” and “having to work late” quite often. Sometimes, she would go to work and not go home for days, not stopping to think about her own children and or that she left them to fend for themselves. They were 10 and 13 years old, and basically on their own. They weren’t homeless, but often times there would be no food in the house, so they started going to Donna’s house and she would take care of them. Donna was a friend of Jeff and Debbie. Although she felt that what was going on was wrong, she felt it was not her place to say anything to Jeff about what Debbie was doing.
It is still unclear how Jeff found out about Rick, but he did sometime around the beginning of summer. He called Debbie and told her to get her boyfriend out of his house. Debbie’s answer to that demand was moving herself and their two children to a rental house so that she could still be with Rick. For the rest of the summer they lived in the rental house while Jeff was still in Korea. Debbie made sure to stress daily that, “it was Jeff’s fault that they had had to move. He kicked them out, he didn’t love them anymore, and he was having an affair with Donna.”
At the end of the summer, just before school started, Jeff called his children and asked them if they would rather live with their mother or with him. They weren’t sure and were afraid to answer, for fear of what their mother would do or say. How could they choose between their parents? Jeff said that he had an idea, “why don’t you guys just start walking down the street and you can decide when you get to the car.” The kids were confused, their dad was still in Korea but he was talking crazy. His son asked, “But whose car and where do we walk to?” Jeff said, “Don’t worry, just start walking…okay?” So they got their shoes on, unsure of where their mother was they started walking down the street. As they were walking down the street, around the corner came a familiar blue car, it was Donna’s Car. As the car pulled up, they realized that it wasn’t Donna driving, IT WAS THEIR DAD! They started crying and hugging him, glad that he was finally home from Korea. They got in the car and went back to their old house, glad to have their Dad at home again.
For the rest of the summer and into the fall, they didn’t see or hear much from their mother. When the divorce was finalized, it was just another day for them. They were in school when Jeff and Debbie went to court and since it was uncontested, it was quick. Their mother decided she would not try to get custody, so they stayed with their Dad. They didn’t know at the time of the divorce that she didn’t want them. They found out later in family counseling, but they weren’t shocked by the revelation.
On December 24, 1987, less than one month after the divorce was finalized, Debbie married Rick in New York. Her two children were not informed of the wedding or even invited, not that it mattered much, they hadn’t heard much from her since Jeff had come home. But they weren’t surprised, they were used to it. Jeff ended up marrying Donna the following year. Donna had three children of her own, so the seven of them decided to make a go of it. Three years later, they added another baby to their large family. Jeff and Donna are still happily married and the eight of them have become a close and loving family.
Debbie divorced Rick after eight years, citing the same excuses that ended her first marriage and has married again; she still denies any wrong doing, just as she did before the divorce. Time has a way of distorting reality or the perception of reality, so memories shift and stories change. Jeff and Debbie still do the he said, she said when the subject of the divorce is brought up, but they are both happy with where their lives have taken them and wouldn’t change a thing.
[1]Excerpted from The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Third Edition © 1996 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Electronic version licensed from INSO Corporation; further reproduction and distribution in accordance with the Copyright Law of the United States. All rights reserved.

Family

I believe in a loving family.

I was born into this world to two people who play many roles. A son, a daughter, a brother, a sister, a husband, a wife, and by choice and chance, they also became a father and a mother. As a member of the human race, each one of us carries the burdens of life and with each life there are many responsibilities and roles for each of us to take on. The choice to become a parent means that we will take on even more roles and so much more responsibility, yet more and more people do it every day.
My parents, as well as yours took time out of their busy lives to make a new person, to add to an already overpopulated world full of responsibility, one more life. With each new addition we make to our families, it assures that the human race will endure for at least one more generation.
I come from a rather large family that I find is getting smaller every day. The losses far outweigh the births, but my family is full of loving and caring people that I can count on and rely on, turn to when times are hard and rejoice with when times are good. Within my family I can find friendship, love, honesty and truth; a bond that is unyielding.
In this fast paced, hurry up world we all live in, those we love and care for are most often the ones that are taken for granted. Our families. We put work, school, and other of life’s daily chores above family because we know they will be there no matter what. They are the only constant in our lives; they are family.
Take time out to remind yourself and your family how much you appreciate them, the many roles that they have taken on, and then be sure to tell them you love them.

BRATS!!

Brats are everywhere! They’re taking over the world and although they come in a multitude of shapes and sizes, they are easy to find. They can usually be found at a store or some other public place and are usually accompanied by someone embarrassed to be in their presence. A brat is a demanding and selfish person, usually, but not always a child, who fails to learn socially acceptable behavior and discipline. There are many characteristics of the brat which include, but are not limited to having frequent temper tantrums, always wanting to get their own way, rarely following the rules or listening to anyone, and having little respect for other people. Do you have a brat or know someone who does? Have you ever been in line at the store and see a child throwing a fit and the parents stand there dumbfounded because they didn’t know what to do? If so, you have witnessed a brat in action.
BREEDING BRATS. If you have children or are thinking about having children, there are some things that you should know. Not only do you have to follow the basic rules of parenting by providing your child with food, shelter and clothing, you must do that while observing the multitude of laws put out by the Child Protective Services (CPS) in the form of The Federal Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA). You must be aware that CPS is always right. They know you, your child, and your situation better than you do and they can raise your child better than you could ever imagine. Parenting today has been reduced to children raising themselves; because, after all, they know how to be a better parent than you do anyway—the CPS and the rest of society tells them so. The CPS has a neat little program where they go into the schools and daycares and teach children how to use the system to their advantage and help them perfect their brat skills.
BRATS OF THE WORLD UNITE! Brat mantras have been circulating the globe, with thanks to those visits from CPS. They go right into our schools and a guest speaker teaches our children how to be a brat and how to get what they want, when they want it. No longer do parents need to provide just food, clothing and shelter for their children. They have to provide what the child decides is acceptable or that is grounds for the brat to use a Brat Mantra. Some universal examples of the brat mantras are: “You are abusing me if I don’t get to ______”, “if you don’t_______, I’ll tell _____”, and “if you won’t let me _____, then I’ll_____” or an oft heard favorite among brats, “I’m gonna dial 911.”
IT’S YOUR FAULT! If you find that you are, in fact, raising a brat, it is your fault. It’s always your fault. If you have to work to provide for your family, it’s your fault because you weren’t around enough and you didn’t do enough for the brat(s). In addition to the brat(s) telling you how you will raise them, you have CPS telling you how to be a parent and what you can and cannot do with your own children. If CPS feels that you are raising your child in the wrong manner or if you try to discipline them, your child may be taken from you. If this occurs, then your child may end up living in foster care, where life is so much better for them. There, they are sure to become a brat, if they aren’t already. These poor, innocent children can’t be held accountable for the way they behave, they are just children after all. The parents must be held accountable—the blame is on them. An alternative course of action that CPS may choose, is allowing the brat stay with you. In the event of this, you can be sure you will receive frequent visits from CPS. Of course, they still think you are an awful human being for trying to raise your own child and teach them good behavior and respect, etc. How dare you think, that you, of all people, possess the skills to be a parent.
Ignorance of the law is no excuse, ignorance in law is okay though. Just remember these key points, don’t ever touch your child because it can be construed as abuse. Do not ever try to hug your child because then you could be labeled a child molester. Do not take pictures of your child because if they are in any state of undress or in a bathing suit, that is pornography. And by all means, don’t try to feed your child anything! If the food that you want them to eat is good for them and they don’t want to eat it, it is neglect. If the food is bad for them and they want it, but you don’t want them to eat it, that is abuse. If you find yourself under scrutiny of CPS, they with the help of the media will make sure that the world knows what a horrible person you are, thus adding to the growing number of brats around the world.
Here is something to think about. A majority of the moronic people in the CPS, who are belittling the practice of discipline, were raised with it by their parents, a practice that is now considered wrong and abusive by our society. Whose opinion is right when it comes to deciphering the law and determining what is abuse, neglect or bad parenting? If you find yourself with a brat who is throwing a fit in a store and someone in line looks at you in disgust, refrain from retaliation—that only leads to more trouble. Remember that our society has caused this and we are the only ones who can change it.

Little Red

There once was a sweet little girl
The best, they say, in the whole, wide world,
She wore a red cloak with a soft velvet hood,
Who went off on errands into the wood.
Off to grandmother’s, skipping she went
And whom, in the wood, do you think that she met?
Well, the big, bad wolf was lurking about
And sure, we all know he had that long snout,
Great big eyes to see and large ears to hear,
Do you think little red had anything to fear?
Of course she did, because on that very day
Her and grandmother were his delicious prey
Gobbling them down with no thought for their yelling
Amazed and delighted at the way he was swelling
The fullness he felt had altered his head
Instead of fleeing, he ran off to bed
About that time a woodsman went by
And he heard in the distance the two ladies cry
He ran in the house to check out the case,
Only to find a huge wolf in their place.
He notices first, the ladies not there
And instead, a wolf, with a wig for hair
He notices the wolf’s stomach, largely distended
And realizes sadly their lives may have ended
To rescue little red and her sweet old gramma
This deed would take muscle and all of his stamina
With his knife in hand and all of his strength
He cut the wolf, completely in length
Out jumped the gramma and then little red
And what do you think that little red said?
“Thank you kind sir for all that you’ve done
You fought with that wolf and finally won,
You rescued us from that big bad guy
I thought we were gonner’s ‘til you happened by.”
Then smiling to him, she coyly said,
“If it weren’t for you we’d both be dead,
You’ve saved us from that wolf, what a goon
Now let’s find a boat and head for Cancun.
Life is to short, I don’t wanna be good
Let’s get out of here quick, I’m sick of the hood.”

Revisiting the Past

As I walked into the foyer of the deteriorating old house, the first thing I noticed was the smell. Not that it was a bad smell, it was the smell of old books being read by firelight, of old leather, a million baking pies and a field of wild flowers. It was the familiarity of the house itself, the wallpaper on the walls and the countless family gatherings held here at this house. As I walk in, the “library” is on my left; this is Gramps favorite place, his room of conversation and contemplation. To my right is Grams “sitting parlor.” For as long as I remember they would each retire to their respective rooms after dinner to do their own thing—apart but always together. Even though they were a room apart, it was as if they were sitting right next to each other. Standing there in the foyer, I still see them both so real, as if it were just yesterday that I stood here last.
I close my eyes and see gramps sitting in his favorite high backed chair next to the fireplace. I smell the burning wood, and smell the pipe that gramps would smoke while reading to the room, reading to the air, and reading to us. I lay on the leather sofa curled up in one of grams afghans staving off the cool chill of the cold winter air, listening to the raspy growl of his voice as he reads page after page. As I look through the French doors across the foyer, there is gram working on another afghan listening to the wood crackle in the fireplace, as gramps reads on. She seems to lose herself in the story as she crochets row after row.
Her room is so unlike gramps’ room, in that, it is a true “ladies” sitting room. Damask drapes on the tall windows and a settee with matching chairs, antiques that looked like they would break if you even looked at them too hard. Flowered designs are on the walls and the furniture it is all so feminine. Lace cloths and doilies are on every surface; she makes them with her small hands with loving care, beauty and detail. In the center of the room is an antique table, always with a huge vase of flowers on it. The room smells of roses and lily of the valley, a mix of the beautiful flowers from the garden and the scent of her perfume.
The horn honks and pulls me out of my reverie. I open my eyes and take one last look around. No longer is there a fire burning in the fireplace, there is no furniture at all and the wallpaper is curling from the seams and ceiling. The rooms are both empty, except for the dust and debris. The wood floor that once gleamed in the sunlight is gray with dust and cobwebs hang from every corner like party streamers. So many memories, I lock them in my heart and my mind, hoping they will not fade as I turn to go.
As I step out onto the porch, more memories bombard my senses and flood my consciousness. Looking out I see the vast expanse of fields that I used to romp around in my youth. My eyes immediately go to the fence line. Over the fence and through the trees I can still make out the barn in the distance. I run through the high grass of the hay field with the dogs chasing after me as we make our way to the barn to be with gramps. Working side by side with him, gramps would tell me stories of when he was a boy and would help his dad with the work on the farm. A thousand endless days… this beautiful land with its purple and white clover, the trees and flowers blooming signifying the beginning of a completely new life. Brand new shoots poke their tiny green heads from beneath the cool moist soil, as they wonder what they will grow up to be. The blue and white of the sky turning to a darker shade of purple and pink as the day comes to an end. I realize now why I had to come back, one last time.